The space explored by America
A concise summary of the space
race and how we won it.
By Dr. D. Dalton Rump, fifth degree phD
in Astropsychics from Belmoine Univeristy.
America has always been really great at
technical science and our race into space proves it. There were many important sciences
developed on the days of the space launches, all the way from the 1950s to the 1990s when we
gave up space as fully conquered. We will discuss these breathtaking achievements now.
One very important advancement was the compressed air available to the
astronauts for breathing. This was conveyed up in the space ship in vacuum sealed coffee
cans, after the coffee had been removed of course. There were occasional accidents in which
astronauts choked on ground coffee from cans that had not been emptied out properly, or at
all. This was called "becoming over-caffeinated".
Example air canister before filling. The coffee removed from
these sure fueled a lot of space thinking.
The opposite problem was explosion by decompression, called "complosive
deprosession" by scientists. This could happen to any astronaut unlucky enough to be pranked
by his co-travelers and placed in the airlock while he slept. If the other astronauts didn't
like the guy in the airlock, they would swivel the airlock's air cocks and out the astronaut
would go to become one with the cosmos. At that point, they would also explode into a fine
paste. If severe hunger later afflicted the surviving astronauts, they could "space scrape"
the remains of former annoying astronauts off of the ship and make a fine tasting gruel.
All astronauts are male of course, since the spacesuit was designed for
people with penises. Do not send me angry letters; penis is the appropriate word for referring
to a man's genitalia. This fact is so fundamental to space travel that women have long
designed their own spaceships and suits in preparation for space travel, but they know that if
men keep leaving the planet for space, soon women will have the planet to themselves and this
has halted their scientific efforts mostly. It is important that not every man go to space in
trying to fulfill his patriotic duty; otherwise the planet would become devoid of our penises
and our brains, which share much of the same very importent functionality.
A lot of computation and calculation and figuring went into the excellent
American space program. It was some of our greatest and best thought at the time.
Unfortunately there were many errors too, and these needed to be corrected a lot on the day of
the space launch. Vectors and thrusts and other scientific concepts might not have been
computed correctly by lazy pre-launch scientists, and the political leaders often had to step
in and correct their numbers on whiteboards or blackboards, depending on the race of the
scientists. This was called "just in time space exploration" and is a technique still used
today in many software compilers in computers.
Further, many of the computers we have today would not have been invented
without the space race. This is because going any kind of distance, in any medium (such as
water or space) requires very many, nearly infinite numbers of precise calculations. Today we
do this with a GPS device, but back then they had only hand calculators and a few really smart
people that could add quickly enough. This just wasn't good enough.
For one thing, smart people like to argue, and when decisions have to be
made really quickly in space, we need decisiveness. The kind of decisiveness that can see
three alternatives, and come up with a better correct version of reality to explain what
should be done next in astrogation. That's how our amazing astronauts of Pollo 19 were able to
find the chicken nebula in heaven and known the way back to earth without totally evaporating
Also the space race gave us many new terms for our American language. For
example, nobody knew what space food sticks were before we traveled to the moon and the sun.
Now this delicious breakfast treat is enjoyed by all technical people along with their eggs
and orange juice. It's part of a full flavored space breakfast!
An important development in American cuisine. Thank you,
Science is a journey of continual discovery and many new rules of motion
and collision had to be determined before we could ever jump into space. Early pioneers used
many types of equipment to get into space, from trampoline to trebuchet to cannon, and these
were largely failures as far as we know. Initially there was a lot of positive thought that
many early travelers actually made it into space, since they were never heard from again after
their launches. This was especially true for those using cannon to escape earth's pull, which
caused cannon-fired space travel to continue developing for quite a long time. Eventually
people decided that maybe space travelers should come back and tell us what they found. This
inspired the development of ROCKETS! But at least all that development work in cannons could
be put to use during wartime, such as the Napoleonic age that prospered after the first early
The real trick which we figured out was how to get back down to Earth. The
answer was simple, stupid -- gravity. Things thrown up tend to fall back down (unless you
throw them really hard, see earlier point about cannon-fired space explorers). The only way
you can counteract gravity is with thrust, so we rapidly figured out how to thrust just the
right way to fall off the planet. It's important not to fall too far, because at some point
the conservation of gravity comes into play, which means you do not get any more of it. At
this point, you may become a satellite or a meteor because you are no longer tethered to
earth's gravity effectively enough.
Rockets are the best possible way to deploy thrusting for getting into
space and always have been, even before we knew how to make them. A little known fact: since
there's no air in space, you cannot hear rocket thrusters firing, which one could scarcely
know from all our movies about space flight. Space movies rightly favor the pleasure of the
audience in hearing loud noises over stark realism. Luckily, the ultra-quiet vacuum of space
also means you cannot hear annoying astronauts scream when you send them out the airlock,
which makes the whole process a lot less stressful.
Whew, those last couple of paragraphs were highly technical. Let's bring
the focus back to things that really matter: how we feel about space. Space is just cool and
it was begging us to explore it. Almost like the undersides of dresses beg to be lifted up,
assuming the lifter is well endowed enough, with cash, to pay off any lawsuits from lame women
who don't like their dresses lifted up. So, we brave men finally said, let's lift that dress
off of space and go explore under there, and damn the lawsuits from God. If he didn't want us
exploring space's knickers, he shouldn't have put it all around us. It's a biological
imperative after all.
So here we were feeling all cool about starting to explore space, when the
Russians saw that and were like "we want that too!". They inhumanely started putting dogs up
into space, just to really piss us off. We humanely tossed monkeys up into space instead,
because who gives a damn about them, but dogs are our best friends.
This space exploration by animals lasted until humans got jealous and
wanted to see it for ourselves. Also we had killed all those space animals rather than
figuring out how to get them back, so we could not hear their own accounts about space. This
started development on even more new technologies, such as making spacesuits that were not
equipped with kill switches. We want to be humane to humans after all!
Then we really kicked those Russkies but good. They were still all pumped
about sending dogs and robots up into space, but we got real American men into space instead.
That showed them. Then they started up their propaganda machines trying to claim they got a
person up there first. Ha, if that's true, where are the pictures? We have much better
pictures of our best people who got into space first, such as Buzz Armstrong and Neil Diamond.
But after getting into space first, we thought, what would really show
those stuffy communists the true glory and power of the capitalist system. And some clever
people were like, hey, if we went up and stomped around on the Moon, that would really torque
those Russians something fierce. They could look up there and know we were stealing all their
cosmic stores of green cheese, and if they ever made it up there, there wouldn't be any
left. And just knowing that we got up there and put our boots all over the moon (which
were henceforth called "moon boots") would mean we had secured our place in history once and
for all, and could finally stop trying.
So we got right to that task of landing on the moon, and, after a lot of
whiny complaints about wanting to know what it's like, even got astronauts back again to tell
the tale. And tell that tale we did, even to this day. And we have the pictures to prove it.
D. Dalton Rump,
Excecrent ApstroPhystix Docter
a note from the curator...
The author, Dr. D. Dalton Rump,
is a well known
creator of unexpectedly popular
faux news articles
on a variety of topics that he
is almost definitely
proximally qualified to talk
about. He certainly
believes he knows a lot about a
lot! Let's give the
little guy a hand for his
#space #satire #coffee #monkeys
(originally published on
medium.com on December 8 2016)